TTC #2, one of many TTC posts

*WARNING* TMI for some in the following post, don't continue if you don't want to know.

The facts:

I am still nursing a nearly 21 month old toddler.

Ezra nurses between 15-30 min first thing in the morning, about 10-15 min before nap time and roughly 15-20 before bed time.

I am healthy and everything is "normal" that should be when trying to conceive.

We have been TTC going on 6 months now and it's frustrating!

I don't know what it's like to struggle for years when trying to conceive, as we conceived Ezra on the first try! Hence the frustration that is building when we are on month six TTC #2! I do NOT understand this!?! I know that nursing can prevent pregnancy, but Ezra doesn't nurse enough for that, I don't think anyways. I have charted for 4 months, and stopped this past month as I was getting obsessive about it and felt that charting itself was becoming a source of "stress" for me and not helping the situation. But even on the months I charted, when all systems were go in that I had an obvious thermal shift along with other tell-tale signs of pending ovulation. Not to mention I get "ovulation pain" every month, so that is a major sign for me. But there was NO + pregnancy in those months. Timing was perfect on everything and I'd think "no way we can't NOT be pregnant", but sure enough I'd get a not so fun visitor for a week.

On top of all that, my cycles went bazerko and were 34 days for quite some time, then we start charting and over a 4 month period of time my cycle started 2 days earlier than the previous month. HUH???? I was/am so confused! I don't understand!?! I thought,
"OK, my cycle is just regulating itself back to 28 days as it was before I had Ezra."

NOT!

28 days come and pass. Day 29, 30, 31 - meanwhile I've taken four pregnancy tests in this time, and all were negative. I thought, it's either really negative or a false negative. REALLY hoping it was a false negative. Day 32 almost goes by, until....yep, you guessed it, the big AF made her appearance. I start thinking there is a problem here with me or is it Nathan, is it due to my nursing, should I wean Ezra to 2 times a day even as short as they are....what is the deal!?!

I don't know what the deal is, but we will just keep trying, and praying. It's that waiting game that I just can not stand! I think I have decided to not chart again this month AND I'm not buying any pregnancy tests. It just gets my hopes up, even when I try to be realistic, and honestly if a month plus goes by with no "visitor", then we'll go from there.

Anyone else that's nursed a toddler while TTC have any thoughts or advice, I'd LOVE to hear from you!

The Night time saga

So....a little over a week ago we began putting Ezra in his own bed, own room, learning to sleep on his own. It's not going well. I know a thousand mama's, daddy's and kiddo's have gone through this, but I have to be honest, I didn't think we'd be one of 'em. 21 months ago there was no way could I let MY child just cry it out, he'd never forgive me, yada, yada, yada.
Fast forward to today and I find myself in the very position I said I'd never be in. Many tears have been/are being shed between Ezra and myself. Why must this be so difficult?

My fears were/are:
*He'll remember this and become distant emotionally from me and generally speaking.
*He'll never forgive me
*He won't actually go to sleep and cry endlessly

My best friend Julie sent me an amazing facebook message that really helped me amidst night #5's trials. She said "...rest assured my friend, you are not breaking his spirit, or communicating that you won't be there for him. You are there for him all day, he is learning the discipline of bed time...no damage done. He will learn, but I know that doesn't decrease the pain you feel going through this!"

How wise she was in this. Those words have given me peace off and on since then. But today...OH today...it was bad. Let's just say there was crying off/on for 3 hours, no nap and a trashed room. I am emotionally spent! So much so that I'm going to have to finish this at a later time. I am finding it hard to concentrate, and really just need some sleep. Good Night.